Monday, February 9, 2009

Anna Nicole Smith-- Decadence, Kafka, Obesity, Truckers, Accountants,...

Two years after her untimely (?) death, a special on Mexico's "Society" Channel. My wife says that the word she's translated for me as Society carries more of a "snobby" aspect... anyways,...

Why is Anna Nicole so popular? (this is how i spend my pathetic life)-- I think it's a combination of soft, fat and hard surrealism. An exhausted pathetic decadence (bring me her dead body!). But more of that later.

1) (First, the obvious). Blonde hair. Big breasts. Truckers and accountants everywhere want to cum all over her.

2) She had the intelligence and maturity of a below-average 12-year old. This, of course, increases the allure.

3) Scandal-- she married an 80 yr-old oilman billionaire. Everyone (man, woman and beast) loves a scandal.

4) Her weight gain. People were disgusted. A cloud of derision hanged over our ruined world. Really? I think the truckers and accountants were even more inflamed.

5) She had lesbian affairs. Enough said.

6) She lost weight. Made a comeback. Everyone (man, woman and beast) loves a comeback.

7) Americans are the most obese people in the world. Mexicans 2nd. But within a decade there' going to switch places, like two fat fucks spooning. (And this does not mean Americans are getting think. Here there are 6 taco stands on every corner. McDonalds are blooming. When KFC first opened a few years back the line was an hour long. Salads here are a rare as hen's teeth.)

8) She was a poor small-town girl who made it big. Everyone (man, woman and beast) loves a rags-to-riches story.

9) She died young (?) and way too soon. And everyone unfurled their tinsel flags screaming "Tragedy." From every hill and rooftop in this ruined world. "Tragedy." "Tragedy." Everyone (man, woman and beast) loves a Tragedy and this was a big fat fucking Tragedy.

And, so, enter Anna Nicole--
All the arrows of decadence pointing into her fat ass. Fat, leaking, foul-mouthed Anna. Ample-busted. Ample-assed. Ample-thighed. And ample-tongued. What are we fighting for in Iraq? For Anna. Of course.

But what about the soft, fat and hard surrealisms, eh? O, Christ!-- let me be! Right now I'm imagining Ana crawling up on to my desk. Looking deep into my eyes. Playing with her hair. Kissing me on the nose.

I've been reading Kafka's "The Trial." Yes, the world is a maze and a hell. But it is also damned funny. Indeed, what would the Trial be without some deranged groupie stroking your hands from time to time.

Some people don't understand how Kafka could laugh while reading his work to a circle of his friends. Some of them put this down as nervous laughter. It was not. One of the world's problems is that some people have absolutely no sense of humor.


Brendan Garbee said...

For all of the reasons you illustrated beautifully, I have thought since her death that Anna Nicole Smith is one of the great cult celebrities. The only thing she's missing is the super-serious weirdo mourners. She doesn't have an army of creepy middle-aged spinsters embroidering her image on throw pillows. It's probably never going to happen either, because what made her famous was her tragic/disgusting lifestyle and her pathetic-ness (and, as you point out, the sex). Middle-aged spinsters need something more Born Again Christian-y to really latch on.

Rauan Klassnik said...

hmmmm..... good point.... and now the question is:
how can you and I change this?

my first thought's to sponsor pillow embroidering classes.

Brendan Garbee said...

agreed. also, posting to the Inter-web tons of pictures of toast with "miraculous" images of anna nicole smith on them will probably begin to turn the tide.