St. Peter's and the Big-Cock Contest

1-- Black and silver-white paintings of Hercules performing his feats. In one he’s got a lion pushed up against a tree and it looks like he’s about to really give it to him. In all of these panels the artist has organized the poses to show off Hercules’s Herculean physique. In this one in particular he shows us flexed back and butt muscles.


2-- In a pizzeria a picture of a topless woman with orange hair. On her back, with an infant sprawled over her. She is lovely, and it is a kind of paradise, but the whole arrangement of hands, mouths, etc, is a bit too intimate. And there are daisies in her hair but after I’ve looked for a while they look like eyes. And suddenly the whole things filled with eyes and they don’t seem so friendly.

3—“Don’t copy nature, work like her.”
Picasso

All of the above, though, is just introduction to this “lyric essay” I found on a crumpled-up piece of paper in one of the stalls of the bathroom next to the Vatican Post Office. At the top in simple small script is the word “submission” and at the bottom, of course, the piece is signed “Jack Gilbert, not really.”

----St. Peter’s and the Big-Cock Contest----


After going through the churches, cathedrals and basilicas of Europe one begins to feel as though it’s all, quite simply, a big-cock contest. I told Jasmine, my 18-yr old Thai wife, this and she told me not to be rude in a place of worship.

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas—well, they all give me pleasure. Immense pleasure. And in a world of Christian places of worship St. Peter’s is a porn star. The undisputed champion.

Okay, maybe I’m pushing the analogy. Just having fun. Being a jerk even. But am I? A short ways into St. Peter’s there’s a mark on the ground that indicates where St. Paul’s (London) comes up to it in length. Walk on and you’ll see where other big names, like Notre Dame, measure up.

It’s something like:

St. Peter’s--- 14 inches
St. Paul’s---- 12 inches
Notre Dame---- 10 inches
etc etc


Yes, St. Peter’s is the biggest, longest, thickest cock in the world. But, fact is, the contest’s rigged. After St. Peter’s was finished, anything erected HAD to be less.

Also, St. Peter’s, according to legend, is the exact center of the universe which in a way I guess also makes it the biggest cunt.

Most churches are filled with pews and chairs. St. Peter’s, though, is mostly just open space for you to stand in and gawk at its hugeness.

The “Pieta” in St. Peter’s really impressed me. The Sistine Chapel—not so much. But the Pieta, ahhh. Too bad God told some Aussie nut to smash it with a hammer. I would liked to have touched it.

I can see Michelangelo sneaking into the big Cock—I mean church, cathedral, basilica, whatever—to chisel into his Pieta “I was made by Michelangelo.”

This same man, Michelangelo, who painted God’s ass on the ceiling. God’s ass for a tiny warlord Pope who had dozens of mistresses and syphilis. A Pope who commissioned St. Peter’s determined to win once and for all and forever the big-cock contest.